QotD: If there's no I in team, why is there meat?

This guy named Moses is out taking a walk when he sees this bush burning but not getting consumed. He stops to take a look and the bush says, “I am the Lord thy God, Moses.”

So Moses takes off his shoes, which is what you do on holy ground. “Cool,” he says. “How come you’re talking to me?”

“I have a task for thee,” says the bush.

“Task?”

“Assignment. Job.”

“Thanks,” says Moses, “but I already have a job. My father-in-law Jethro, see, he--”

“Can he burn bushes without consuming them?”

“Uh, no.”

“Okay then. I want you to hike back over to Egypt and get up a team.”

“A what?”

“Israelites against Egyptians. Got a heavy wager going on this, Moses.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. Have you seen those Egyptians?”

“I am the Lord thy God, kiddo. Get yourself in gear.”

“I don’t think the Israelites are going to listen to me, Lord. Who shall I say sent me?”

“You can’t pronounce my name, Moses. Just tell them ‘I am that I am’ sent you.”

“’I am that…’ You got something I can call you for short?”

“Are you a god, Moses?”

“Well, no.”

“The other gods call me ‘I’ for short, but you’re not a god. Got it?”

“Yeah, but here’s the other thing. I’m dyslexic, Lord. I’ve tried doing that speaking thing, you know, making my note cards and all, but then those hieroglyphics start jumping around and it makes me slow of speech.”

“Don’t be a wuss, Moses. I need a team. Get going.”

So Moses comes back next day with a sheep and he slaughters it there before the burning bush.

“What’s all this?” asks the bush.

“I brought you the meat,” says Moses.

“Not meat. Team.”

“Right.” Moses is a bit disappointed, but he hauls the sheep back home. Comes back next day with his wife Zipporah.”

“What’s all this?” asks the bush.

“My mate,” says Moses.

“Your help-mate?”

“That’s right.”

“She’s got a big job,” says the bush. “Team, Moses. Looking for a team here. You know, off to Egypt…”

“Oh c’mon now. They’re never going to listen to me.”

“So you’ll look up your brother Aaron when you get there. Go on now. I have things to do.”

Zipporah mutters, “I told you so,” as they head back home. “I have things to do, too, you big lug.”

Moses hauls his donkey up to the bush the next day.

“Now what?” says the bush.

“Tame,” says Moses. The donkey kicks and tries to bite Moses. “Pretty tame,” says Moses.

“Team,” says the bush. “T-E-A-M. Got it?”

Moses comes back next day, empty-handed. The bush gives a heavy sigh, which singes Moses’ eyebrows. “What now?”

“I wanted to talk about our communication,” says Moses.

“You mean you’d like to meta-communicate?” says the bush. “I should have seen this coming. Look, pumpkin head, you ARE going back to Egypt and you ARE going to get the team going.”

“But why me? Have you noticed how short I am? I’ve also got this tricky knee, and my skin just won’t clear up.”

“For heaven’s sake, Moses. Any old god can take a tall, handsome, charismatic guy and get the job done. I’m going for a surprise win.”

Moses drags home and comes back the next day with the donkey, his wife Zipporah, and the smoked meat she made out of the sheep.

“Are you still here?” asks the bush.

“I thought you might like these,” says Moses. “Really, Lord, I think you should just go down yourself--”

“What’s my name, Moses?”

“I can’t pronounce it, you said.”

“Not funny. Look, kiddo, I’ve got plagues to come up with, and the manna’s not got enough of the B vitamins yet, and--”

“Manna?”

“We’ll get to that later. My point is that there is no I in team. Now get your butt on that ass and zip off with Zipporah or you’re dead meat.”

That’s pretty much it, Sweetie. Next time I’ll tell you about the quail, all right? That’s kind of a meat story, happened around the time the team was falling apart…again.