Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?

SAFETY RULES (or How to Live With Humans without Becoming Kitty Stew)

by Cheops Kilgore

1. Foxes are clever but don’t get excited and jump up on the big screen to see them better.
Daddy makes big bad noises when you get in the way.

2. Tigers are cunning but it’s best to sit near Mommy when watching them because sometimes they growl and scare the bejeebers out of you.

3. Don’t follow Daddy out onto the balcony. He’ll only call you a mook and find you and haul you back in.

4. Don’t make a fuss when Mom cuts your claws. She won’t let you go until she’s finished.

5. Don’t scratch the furniture—everybody yells at the same time.

6. Don’t get on the counter if anyone’s home or you’ll get squirted with the water sprayer.

7. Beware of rugs, especially the big one in the living room. They can swallow kitties whole.

8. Don’t climb into the bathtub at the same time a human does. You’ll regret it.

9. When the maids come, hide. They have smelly stuff and noisy machines. Once they leave, hurry and mark your whole territory again.

10. When Mom gets the toys out, keep alert. A grandkid is probably coming. The 7-year old is okay, but the 2-yr old will pull your tail.

11. Always use the litterbox, even if Daddy forgot to scoop that morning.

12. Don’t eat the butter, even if Daddy forgot to put the cover back on.

13. Be careful when another cat or a dog comes to visit. No matter how nice you are, they’re usually grouchy.

14. Keep an eye on Dad if he approaches your kibble container. He usually just puts more in, but you never can tell.

15. If you want to bite Dad’s foot, be prepared to dash away quick.

16. Don’t walk on computer keyboards or climb into the printer—they’ll shut a door and you’ll lose a lot of territory.

17. It’s okay to climb into cupboards, but be careful you don’t get lost or stuck behind something. Mom will probably just open the door and laugh at you, and then you’ll have to wait for Dad to rescue you and he’ll call you a mook.

18. Don’t ever chew flowers, real or fake. Everybody gets excited and sticks their fingers in your mouth in case it was poisonous.

19. Don’t rip things attached to the wall. People will scream.

20. Hide whenever anyone knocks on the door. It’s someone from the Outside, and everyone knows the Outside is far too dangerous for kitties.