QotD: What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?

“Thick as a brick,” said my dad as we waited on the highway for the bus. I was too scared to spit right then, but I kept still. How do you know you’re cut out for a small pond if you never take a splash in a big one? I felt better when the lady sitting next to me on the bus made me look at photos of her grandkids and gave me a couple steers toward a job and a good place to stay.

The job was okay. I got an apron and a tag with my name on it. I was supposed to sweep and mop and clean the windows and anything kids left their sticky prints on. Also keep the shelves stocked and help with bags if anybody wanted it. My boss said he’d teach me how to bag, and if I wasn’t too stupid and showed up on time, I’d be working a register pretty soon. First lady who wanted help with her bags frowned at the bunch of stickers they gave her and handed them to me. The girl at the register leaned over and hissed at me to keep them. Get enough and they’d be worth something. She gave me a little book later and showed me how to lick and stick. Said she’d got herself an electric can opener that way.

I stopped at a sandwich shop after work and they had stamps there, too. Collect twelve on a card and you got free cookies with your next sandwich.

The rental place was okay too, and it was the first time I’d had a room all to myself. Had to share a bathroom, but with only four instead of six like at home. The landlady said I was the official new occupant and gave me a stack of letters held with a rubber band along with my key. I put my clothes into the dresser drawers and settled on the bed to read the letters. They were all to ‘Occupant’ or ‘Dear Renter’ or ‘New Neighbor’—stuff like that, which I figured was me, all right.

Would you like a free subscription to Wallpaper and Tile Monthly? Choose one stamp and return in postage paid envelope. The red stamp said, “Yes! I want to take advantage of this fabulous FREE offer that can save me hundreds of dollars!” The blue stamp said, “No, I have superstitious fears about the color red, so you’ll have to pass my good fortune along to someone else.”

Choose 6 books absolutely free! Put your choice of stamps in the boxes and pay only shipping and handling. Thereafter, we will send you a monthly newsletter absolutely FREE!

Buy 12 CDs for just one penny each! Place stamps of your choice on reply card and enjoy the finest music available today. Buy only one more at regular price within the next 2 years.

They were all like that. Free checks in my choice of eleven full color designs. Free credit card with my choice of four beautiful logos. Four free magazines of my choice, everything from “Anglers’ Angels” to “Wild Woman Wigs.”

I spent the evening tearing, licking and sticking stamps. The thing about a big pond my dad never understood was that they had so much of everything they had to give it away to make room for the new stuff they were making all the time or getting from overseas overstocks. I learned that in some of the letters that explained why they were able to offer such incredible deals. Just as I was wondering if I’d have enough room to put all the free stuff they were going to send me, I opened a letter inviting me to a month’s free rent on a storage locker. They hadn’t missed a thing.

Thick as a brick. I chuckled over that on my way to work the next morning, laughed right out loud as I stopped at the big blue mailbox on the way and dropped my armful of postage free return envelopes inside.