QotD: How do you pronounce the 'g' in bologna?

Many people fear to visit the so-called “bachelor pad,” most often due to worries about starvation should they become trapped. Here is a simple way to create an edible, somewhat nutritious meal using items commonly found in and around the “pad.” Just remember the letters: BOLOGNA

BREAD: You will find this in balled up plastic wrappers. Most will be heels, but don’t be frightened; these are normally edible. Don’t use any that has turned blue. Try microwaving or toasting the pieces, which will disguise the stale taste. Find a table or a counter, push everything off onto the floor, and lay out the pieces of bread.

ONION: You will find this either in the bathroom window frame, or behind the TV. Cut off the black part and discard. You will find plastic utensils piled in some corner of the living room, probably behind the sofa. Using one or more knives, carefully slice what’s left of the onion and put it on the bread.

LINGUINI: You can find this in the fridge, behind the Chinese food cartons, underneath the frozen dinner minus the entrée. Check linguini for white or blue spots. Toss those bits. Spread the rest over the onions.

OLIVES: This will be the easiest to find: they’re in a bottle on the door of the fridge. Actually, you will probably have several jars to choose from. Slice or crush these, and nestle the pieces in the linguini. After this, you may slap two pieces of bread together to form the traditional sandwich, or you may prefer to leave them open-faced if that doesn’t bother you too much.

GOD: Allow this silent letter to remind you to send a silent, heartfelt prayer skyward or downward or sideways, according to the deity of your choice.

NAPKIN: This may be difficult but keep in mind that you may use any scrap of cloth or paper; for example, a T-shirt, a piece of newspaper, or even the top of a pizza box. Some prefer to find something concave, which will catch not only crumbs and drips, but may be helpful for sudden bouts of vomiting.

APPETITE: This may be the most difficult to find, but keep in mind that it’s not strictly necessary. Sometimes we must eat simply to remain alive until a rescue party shows up.