QOD: Please come up with a more appropriate name for the ringtoe:

He give you what? Ain’t you one silly gal, though. Now don’ you go granmawin’ me. Aye, ‘tis a purty ring, ‘n’ a right purty toe sportin’ it. Ain’t you never heared a that gilded cage? That were purty too.

C’mon, then ‘n’ sit you down. Got a tale that’ll git you scowlin’ in a diff’rent direction. Long time ago, oh long, long time ago, folks was what you might call not so civil. ‘Course, they din’t see it theyselves, but had a mind all what they done was right ‘n’ proper.

Supposin’ a man got hisself a yen for a wife? Plumb tired a doin’ his own fetchin’ ‘n’ carryin’ ‘n’ got hisself a itch in his knickers to boot. So he gits his friends ‘n’ off they go with they spears ‘n’ such, goin’ courtin’ is what. ‘N’ the groom goes a marchin’ right in ta ‘nother feller’s house ‘n’ grabs hisself a gal. So she be screechin’ ‘n’ what all whilst this feller is carryin’ her off, ‘n’ the groom’s friends be knockin’ in the heads a her pa ‘n’ her brothers ‘n’ all, ‘n’ maybe killin’ the poor dog ta stop his barkin’ ‘n’ stealin’ a sheep or a cow for good measure. Yep, feller what leads them friends a the groom’s in ta commitin’ mayhem’s what’s called best man now, so you just think on that’n for a spell.

Poor gal, meanwhiles, is slappin’ at her groom ‘n’ bitin’ ‘n’ kickin’ ‘n’ once he gits her to home, he goes right on ‘n’ flings her on the floor ‘n’ do his biznes’ without so much as a by yer leave nor nothin.’ He be ridin’ her, ya see, ‘n’ ya say that a time or three, you’ll be seein’ where the word bride be comin’ from. Might be worth a think or two on what a groom be doin’ for a livin’ as well.

Now this gal’s gonna be runnin’ back to her folks quick as she can, so the groom goes on ‘n’ shackles her right ta the wall; big ol’ leg iron ‘n’ a chain just long enough to allow for her doin’ chores.

Don’t you shake that head at me, gal, I’s tellin’ the pure gospel truth. ‘N’ if’n she were from a rich family, might be they’d grab a maid for the bride, what be the bridesmaid, y’see, ‘n’ I give ya three guesses on what them mayhemers do to that’n, ‘n’ the first two don’t count.

Time goes on by, like it do, ‘n’ folks git a bit more civil, like, ‘n’ grooms git to buyin’ theyselves a bride, maybe trade a goat or a mule for the gal, ‘n’ a leg iron do just fine to remind her to keep put, ‘cause ain’t no way her pa gonna give back that goat if’n she run back home. Ain’t no need for the chain, see, but don’t make her less a piece a goods, just like a mule or a barrel a beans.

Gits so that leg iron don’t seem quite so civil, so they gits to puttin’ a ring on that fourth toe there, just like you got on you. ‘N’ when they gits to wearin’ shoes, why that ring jumps up on a finger so’s everbody kin see it. Man just markin’ his property, is all.

Oh, it still be one trial ‘n’ a half gittin’ a man t’see you ain’t got no mind to be owned, thanks all the same, ‘n’ when yer ol’ granpa come courtin’ me I told him fine ‘n’ dandy but I ain’t wearin’ no ring cuz I warn’t nobody’s property ‘n’ if’n he was wantin’ to keep his teeth he better not be forgettin’ it.

All I kin see, gal, is you done stepped back a bit in ta hist’ry ‘n’ the good Lord knows we oughter be goin’ forward ‘stead a back. Had a ounce a sense in that curly top head a yourn, you’d go on back t’that halfwit boy ‘n’ tell him ta put the damn ring on his own damn toe.